Hello! Greetings and salutations and all of that happy horseshit. I
enjoy how “horseshit” is one word, it's kind of funny, no? I
mean, “cow shit” is not one word, “dog shit” is not one word,
a myriad of other shits and their prefixes are separate words but not
“horseshit.” Come to think of it, “bullshit” is one word too,
but I can't think of any others, can you? What makes horses and bulls
and their respective shits so special in the English language, huh?
Anyway, that is not why I'm typing this. I kind of got off on a
tangent with those shitty (har har pun) thoughts; it's late and I'm
wont to do that. But, I digress, I am not writing because of shits,
tangents, or because it's 3:45am and I'm still wide awake. (Okay,
that last one might have a little something to do with it, but not
much.) No I'm writing, in short, because of raccoons.
Raccoons? You ask. (Or maybe you didn't ask, but I bet you are now.
No? Fine, go away and don't read this if you don't want to know.)
Yes, my dear reader, raccoons; those wide-eyed, hissing, dry-good
eating, pan-clanking, wall-ripping, masked little assholes. But why
Ashley? Why raccoons? What has spurred you into this rant? Aren't
raccoons, sort of I don't know...cute? What have they ever done to
you? More importantly, why should I care? Well, allow me to answer
these and other burning questions.
Firstly, raccoons are NOT cute. They are evil and destructive little
(or huge, depending) sons of bitches. They break into your house by
ripping off the siding and chewing through the wall. They eat your
pasta and other dry goods, not to mention your cat's food. They sneak
into your kitchen and make noises in the middle of the night when
you're the only one up and scare the ever-living bejeezus out of you.
(No, “bejeezus” is not a word...thank you, OpenOffice.) You can
think you've gotten rid of them in the past and then one night when
you're all alone BAM! You're not so alone anymore. They're all up in
your house, making noise, eating shit that isn't theirs, scaring
children and pets (not to mention some less-than-brave adults >.>)
and just wreaking general havoc. Assholes.
The above reasons are why I am currently hulled up in my little
brother's room, accompanied by nothing more than one vigilant cat and
a gnawing need to look over my shoulder at every little sound. I can't sit contentedly in my living room working on things like I was. I
can't go get something to drink (and I'm thirsty, damn it!) I can't
go get my speakers. I can't even walk from this
room down the hall to the bathroom unaccompanied. It's probably fine
to do all of these things...but no. I may not be a particularly brave
soul, but on the flip-side I'll likely never contract rabies.
And now you know why I don't enjoy visiting my parent's house next
to a levy; all manner of creepy and living things like to try their
damnedest to infiltrate my little corner of the world when I'm here.
Sometimes, some of them succeed and give me lots of lovely nightmare
fuel.
I think I'll be sleeping (if I ever do that again here) with a bb gun
under my pillow.
Raccoons are supposedly nocturnal, and it's now approaching morning
so I guess I could take some comfort in that....
But somehow I have a feeling that they're always watching no matter
what time of day it is.
(Damn it they are just a little bit cute, aren't they? I
mean...DEADLY. They're deadly. >_>; )
